A Brief Editation

The first version of this essay about my 10-day meditation retreat last fall—up at 4 a.m., 14 hours of meditation each day, only breakfast and lunch served, silence throughout—was pretty epic. 

It started with my sister’s cat, Captain, who died the night I started the retreat, and crescendoed on a profound insight into the nature of life, death, suffering, catharsis, and contemplative practice.

Then I threw it away—it was too much. Instead, here is a list of portmanteaus I came up with while failing to meditate:

Beditation—still under the covers at the 4 a.m. gong, because it’s 60 degrees in here

Unfeditation—no clock, no watch—how long till stewed prunes and oatmeal at 6 a.m.?

Sweatitation—inexplicably on fire despite it being 60 degrees in here

Gogetitation—focus, just 12 more hours, get that gold star, rah!

Forgetitation—what were we doing again?

Expletitation—no #%!* dinner, no &*@# phones, writing, talking, what the %*!@ IS there?

Insteaditation—all the activities that would be so much better than this

Pirouettitation—look, straight back, lotus legs, cool hand mudra, little smile, gold star!

Upsetitation—is there a bullfrog in the meditation hall? Is that a person burping?

Coldandwetitation—would have brought an umbrella but NO WEATHER APP

Poetitation—let’s try thinking in iambic pentameter

Debitation—keep forgetting to refinance those student loans

Walking Deaditation—how Andrea held her sister while she turned into a zombie, then killed her

Unweditation—is it bad not to be married at 36?

Copacetitation—shhh, everything is fine

Deadpetitation—what was Captain thinking when he lifted his head just before the vet came?

Dreaditation—irrepressible thoughts of death and the post-retreat email avalanche

Anasthetitation—this has gotten so bad that we are now actually willing to meditate

Braindeaditation—and we cannot

Apathetitation—probably going to die here. Somehow cannot manage to care

Regretitation—comprehensive list of every mistake made, friend lost, and loved one let down

Apologetitation—sorry for everything, first boyfriend. Sorry, Mom and Dad. Sorry, Captain

Unreaditation—death is scary, but life is actually kind of scarier

Deathbeditation—but maybe everything really didn’t matter as much as it seemed to

Sunsetitation—it’s so red at dusk after it rains

Notyetitation—is it really Day 10 already?

Misleditation—this is so not the experience that was advertised

Resetitation—definitely signing up for next year

Meditation can be pretty epic. But so much happens when we’re not meditating—playing when we should be working, freaking out when things don’t go as planned. Dealing with the moment-to-moment reality of having a body and mind, which is so much more ridiculous—and glorious—than we know.